RESTART BUTTON PLEASE!!!!
Jan 28, 2020
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NwG1gumastQ

welcome back to my channel if you're new
welcome to my channel thank you so much
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also when I go live so I just I'm coming
on to talk a little bit I feel like if
there's a need for it um yes I'm
correcting oh I'm correcting my hijab
you guys
I am I get a lot of comments about that
she corrects her hijab well because I
have a double chin see see we're double
chin does everybody see my double chin
yes I have a double chin wardrober order
and when I have this and I put it like
that as I'm talking it slips up slips up
slips up to where it's like this and I
don't know if that's what I'm supposed
to that just doesn't look right this
just really seems like anyways so I have
to constantly pull it back because it's
lips that's just that's what I'm doing
and this is what they look like I've had
multiple comments about my jobs and how
I don't wear them correctly there's
never no one right hijab to wear there's
a multiple different types of his jobs
that you can wear and this is the kind
that I wear it goes it's long in the
back this is where your head goes
through this little slit and then here's
the front I've no idea what is on it I
just don't see that and then let me see
here's one of my bonnets these are what
I wear underneath which is like this
okay it has an elastic on the back that
kind of like my hair holds it in place
this part is what opens up and goes on
my forehead before the hijab goes on and
then I have multiple things that I put
on sometimes I wear my headbands I wear
my jewel bands I wear beads or mall
because why not
so that is that about my hijabs I have
worn the ones where you wrap it and you
flip it and you pin it and you do all
that good stuff for me right now it's
easier for me just to flip this on my
head and go I don't got time right now
to do my hijab and make it look good and
also right now I don't got the time for
that thing to be slipping all over the
place and that's what it does
so for me that's why I opted wear these
kind they are not children's hey jobs if
a child was to put this on it would slip
right over their head because why it
doesn't fit them why because this is an
adult one these are made to wear all the
time so I don't know where some people
get their information that these are not
the right kind but they really are the
right kind you can wear any type of his
job that you want as long as you're
covering that's all that matters
I've seen lots of comments about like
what I wear that I don't dress like a
Muslim if that's what you want to say
first of all okay I've seen multiple
comments about my hit my tattoos yes
I've got multiple tattoos I've got
tattoos all over my body but that was
before I had converted to Islam and as
most people I think no tattoos are
permanent unless you want to go in and
pay money to have them taken off by
laser and a I am NOT going through the
pain of that be I don't want to spend
money on that and three or c3i
got my tattoos before I ever converted
so it's not like it's something that I
can obviously take back right now if I
even wanted to UM the way that I dress I
think I I do as best as I can as a big
person it's hard to really find clothes
that are well fitting that are
comfortable that don't make you hotter
than the Sun being dressed I am a
warm-blooded person so I am
automatically warm all the time so for
me I rather find wearing the low-cut
capris that have a little bit of you
know shortness in the length of the pant
to just let my legs kind of get a little
bit of air and I do my very best to
dress as proper as I can but you know
what I am human I am not perfect I don't
think there's anyone that is perfect but
I do in my heart what's the best thing I
can do and that's all that matters
nobody has to worry about that the only
person that's gonna pay for any
consequences if there is any to be paid
would be me so ultimately nobody has to
really worry about that that's something
that I'll just deal with on my own time
and win it I have to deal with it that's
what I have to deal with it but to
constantly be so focused on that it's
like oh my come on calm down you guys
calm down calm down
um but anyway so enough of that I am
coming on today because I just wanted to
kind of chitchat with you guys a little
bit because tomorrow is Wednesday and we
all know what Wednesday stands for it is
wwa Wednesday weigh-in day the aha
moment day whatever whatever kind of day
you want to make it be but that's what
Wednesday's are for me as my way and des
and I have and I will continue to stay
with that schedule I am going to right
outside the gate say that I don't think
I lost any weight this week I would be
really really surprised if that scale
shows any weight loss in fact was it
yesterday
yeah I want to say it was yesterday I
got on the scale and I said I was 482
you guys that is how much more weight
have I put on and I don't know how I I
really don't I have an honest-to-god
drinking my water
I'm not eating as much but are my
choices the way that they should be no
no I've been slacking I've been getting
comfortable as I was sharing with you a
couple days ago I have been getting
comfortable and I've been dipping in
here and dipping in there and having a
little this here having a little bit
there and you know it does add up but in
my mind I sit there and I say well okay
so we're on Friday just say and I'll be
like okay well I can have I'm just gonna
throw something out there really wasn't
this but I can have pizza and I still
have X amount of days to work it off
before Wednesday my weigh-in day and
then Saturday comes and well I think I
can have this because I still have a
couple of days and I can work it off and
that's how I do it all the way up until
Tuesday and then I'm like oh crap
tomorrow is weigh-in day I haven't put
any efforts into any part of my weight
loss um yeah the scales going to be
talking and the scales gonna be saying
get off of me because you've just gained
how much weight um I am gonna try and
get new batteries before tomorrow
morning
I don't know if my batteries are going
dead on my scale because my scale is
being so inconsistent that I don't know
if I trust the numbers that are really
being shown right now
so I'm gonna do that I'm hoping that
I'll get batteries tonight and so if not
I'm still gonna weigh with the batteries
I have in my scale and whatever my scale
says what we're gonna go with if it says
that I'm at 550 pounds and I guess we're
gonna go out 550 pounds if it says that
I'm down to 320 pounds well I don't
think we'll go off of that but still but
we will be going with whatever number
comes up on the scale tomorrow but I do
have to say that I know
that I have to get serious and I know
that I've already you know I've already
given the spill and I've already given
this speech and I don't need to give the
speech again you guys know what I am
trying to do you guys know what efforts
I've been making and quite frankly I'm
gonna say I haven't made much of an
effort at all I've wanted to I have best
intentions to but to actually get up and
make those efforts be something in real
life I have to say that I haven't done
as good as I should have or that I could
have and so tomorrow I'm gonna just but
I mean tonight well today actually I
haven't really done much of anything
that would be setting me off big time
but starting tomorrow I'm just gonna
clean my slate we're still on our
journey you know people can call it a
cycle if that's what they want um you
know I'm a food addict I food is my food
as my go-to so when I am wanting food
I'm just gonna go and we can keep making
excuses we can say that things are you
know these ways and that way and all
over the place but in the reality at the
end of the day it's I like to eat I
enjoy to eat I don't like to exercise
who wants to exercise when you're this
big and when your bones and muscles hurt
since I did my workout you guys I have
not been able to hardly walk because one
my legs are killing me and to my back is
absolutely shot and I know it's because
of the exercising I did in my back is
not straight it's not strengthened so
you know I have to work through that I
have to somehow figure out this body
pain so I can start building that muscle
my back because I can't keep going on
with my back being the way it is it just
isn't gonna work it really isn't so um
tomorrow again like I said we're just
gonna get up we're gonna weigh we're
gonna see where where I'm at I'm in a
market on my calendar or on my
like we've been doing well I haven't I
didn't actually mark it last week but I
have it written down
um but mark this week on my board
whatever it is is what we're gonna start
with and we're just gonna hit this
ground running because I I I have to do
this and I know that I've said this
multiple times but one of these days I
hope it's gonna click and I'm hoping
that it's this Wednesday tomorrow when I
get on that scale and I see whatever
numbers coming out it that I know that I
have to do what I have to do I don't
want to be 500 plus pounds I'm not there
yet but I'm I'm climbing close to that
number and I don't want to ever see that
number so for me it's time to get really
serious and really really take all of
what I have been learning and really
work hard on what I need to do tomorrow
is always day off so I am going to be
doing some fruit food prepping if I need
to go and get vegetables I'll go and get
the vegetables but I am going to do that
tomorrow but I'm starting tomorrow again
back at it really hard I'm going to
start my exercising I'm just gonna do
exercising every single day I'm not
gonna just do it once every other day
because right now I'm not doing enough
impact to actually really make a big
difference so I think working it every
day couple times a day I think would be
more fair to this whole situation so
anyways I know it's kind of like one of
those we told you so we knew that you
were gonna stick with it and it's not
that I've given up it hasn't been that
I've given up but I have become relaxed
and I have become not serious with it
again and I want to nip it now before I
just go back completely from
eating whatever I want to eat and just
assuming that it's not going to do
anything to my body - oh no I need to
get things serious so I haven't went to
that yet I'm still eating like I should
be but I'm eating more variety that
could be causing the weight gain so
that's kind of where I'm at um I'm
trying to think what did I have I had
talked about one day was it it was this
week I had talked about I don't even
want to know what the calorie count was
I think that's it because I don't I
won't eat like McDonald's food or
anything because of the salt salt the
salt in the hamburgers and fries and
stuff like that give me really bad
headaches so I don't technically usually
eat those but um I do eat fast food
though and I need to get that out of my
system like I need to know that this is
just not gonna work and I have to stay
away from the drive-throughs I have to
and get back into gear and just start
kicking butt because I know what I want
and I know that it's right there
dangling in front of me it's just having
that having the ability to believe in
yourself is that's a challenge in its
own self because a lot of times you
people lack that you know I do I lack in
believing in myself I lack that I can do
this I tell myself every day when I get
up you're gonna fail you are going to
fail and I don't want that I do have a
doctor's appointment coming up and I'm
definitely going to be talking to him
about a few things about intervention
with weight loss because I am really
serious I really really really really
really really want to lose this weight
so I'm going to see what options are out
there for me to help me because I'm not
getting any younger
and this is just going on too much and
I'm not willing to continue to wait like
I'm just not so I am willing to start
researching different things that could
possibly help me to get this under
control because I just can't do it
anymore and before I start you know
having things happen to my body or
happen to me that could result in death
I have to get serious I don't want
another woman raising my children and
when I say that I know that sounds
really bad but you know when I go to bed
at night and I think about like my day
and what I ate and what I did
I'll think about like if something
happened to me and say I died I could
not imagine telling oli you can never be
with another woman that you have to stay
you know solely to me even if I'm not
there he's still young he's still in
prime age you know and our children are
young and just the thought of knowing
that my husband could remarry to another
woman even though he says honey I would
never do that you know that's just not I
know that but I still it's still that
chance that he meets somebody and he
decides that you know well Amy would
understand or whatever and here comes
another woman married in my spot and
raising my babies and doing things with
my babies that I wanted to do and
because I was a glutton and because I
was selfish and I chose to eat food
then taking my health serious and know
that these things can happen I don't
want to die I don't want to die so I
have to get this under control I have to
do something because not doing anything
is not working
trying to just diet on my own it's not
working I don't know what is going on
but I you know I even told ollie about
six months ago I want to say is about
six months ago I told him that I'm
almost at the point where I would
actually give up being at home for a few
months in going into a lockdown facility
to where they can get my weight and
stuff under control does it really need
to come to that I don't know do I need
to go into one of those facilities where
they control everything I eat make me
get up and do therapy and things like
that so I can drop my weight I don't
know but whatever I am doing right now
is not working because I constantly am
restarting my I'm restarting my promise
to myself every day today's gonna be a
good day we're gonna make it two hours
in no whatever is in front of my face
sounds better than what I just told
myself a couple hours prior so then
after I eat it then I'm just like okay
well tomorrow I'll start again wake up
the next day today's the day I'm gonna
do it I'm gonna do good a couple hours
goes by and bam I'm doing something else
it's a constant constant fight fight
battle in my body in my brain and you
know and the thing is I'll sit there
I'll be like god it's just food it is
just food why is it so important to me
why is it something that's so
overpowering like you know I got the
kids pizza and I was like I'm not
getting myself pizza you know I'm just
not gonna do it and I didn't but on my
way home like the whole time I was
sitting there battling in my brain just
one piece won't hurt just one piece
no that's that's just one piece it's not
gonna hurt but I know one piece is gonna
lead into foreign five slices
I'm not stupid with myself I know and I
will justify every piece as it goes into
my mouth I will make it okay somehow so
that I don't feel guilty until after
I've eaten it and then I'm like oh my
god would I just do so I don't know I'm
like I said I have to do something I
don't know what it's gonna be just at
you guys if you have any suggestions
email me them please don't comment them
because I rarely read my comments
anymore I try to read them if I heart
them I've read them even if I agree or
disagree you know but if you have any
like real good foundation ideas things
that maybe you did that work for you or
a family member or something send at my
direction because I have to start doing
something there's got to be another way
out there just has to be something else
out there for me I just don't know
exactly I haven't got my finger on it
but it's sure it's sure moving trying to
point what its gonna be so anyways I
hope you guys had a wonderful wonderful
Tuesday tomorrow is our weekend starting
for our family so tonight is our Friday
tonight biggest loser stars I'm so
excited I love that show actually I
really do it's a lot of good motivation
as well but every year before when I
would watch it I'd be sitting there
watching it with a bowl of ice cream
like really come on now what's that
gonna do to you so I'm really excited to
see the changes that's been off of the
air for a few years so I'm really
excited to see how it's how they've got
things changed I know that there's some
new coaches on I'm not sure exactly I
know Julia Michael is it on there or
Julianne Michael that's her name I don't
know if Dolvett is still there or not
but anyways
that is like my day that that's just
what I've been going through all day
today is just really trying to think
maybe I could just get online and start
searching different different things to
intervene with weight loss I mean I
don't know but I probably will go with
whatever my doctor suggests and then
just see from there what exactly you
know we can do so anyways I am gonna
close I need to edit this get it up
because well that's just what I do I
usually edit and put them straight up
the same day that I record I don't do
pre recordings I don't like watching
pearl recordings so I try and do
same-day recordings I know a few people
are like just don't be sitting here
preaching to us you know get up and do
things and you know what isn't as nice
as that sounds I'm trying I really am
I just haven't gotten to that point yet
but anyways tomorrow's a new day
tomorrow is a step on the scale day and
we're gonna see what's happening there's
no promise to anything I really you know
I don't I I don't foresee that I've lost
any weight I don't feel like I have but
I don't know I mean I really don't not
until we get on the scale so anywho I
hope everybody has a wonderful wonderful
middle of the week day tomorrow
and I will check in with you guys again
soon bye bye